Voldemort'sSuicide?
by spooning with spoons
Summary: im not so good at summarys but wormtail frollicks and voldemort picks his nose. told i wasnt good at summarys. oneshot.


**Author's note:** Yeah, I was really bored and was wondering if Voldemort would ever commit suicide. And naturally, this is what I come up with. Go figure.

**Disclaimer: **J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter and all the characters yada yada… But she doesn't own Fanfic. Muwahaha!

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**Voldemort's…Suicide? **

Wormtail walked into the deserted, old, room that smelled vaguely of cheese that had been left on top of the refrigerator for a decade too long.

Well, technically he didn't walk, he limped.

This was due to the fact that moments before he had been frolicking barefoot through the old cemetery (he generally preferred his frolicking to be done in the nude, but Voldemort had threatened to Crucio him…again) and had consequently gotten an old rusty nail stuck in between his toes.

So, Wormtail limped into the old, deserted, moldy cheese smelling room having been called there by his Lord and Master, the Great, All-Powerful, Evil, Scheming, nose-less Voldemort.

He kneeled at the foot of the luxurious and far too large armchair of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

"Master, you…seared?" Wormtail inquired, clutching the spot on his arm whose searing had so rudely interrupted his frolicking.

"Yes, you incompetent nincompoop. Go and fetch me a pale of gnome ears (he had acquired a taste for them while he had been 'lying low' for twelve years)."

"Yes, yes Master, right away." Wormtail scampered off to go do his masters bidding.

Voldemort waited in his armchair, remembering with a great sense of loss how he had once been able to pick his nose.

But, alas, his new body had not equipped his with that valuable piece of anatomy.

He tried anyways.

It was at that particular moment that Lucius Malfoy decided to stop by for a visit.

"My Lord…" He trailed off as he saw what the most evil and powerful wizard ever to walk the planet had been doing. Quickly turning his giggle into a cough he asked, "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Oh shut up wanker!" Screamed Voldemort obviously frustrated.

Bending over to try to look up The Dark Lord's nose-slit-thingys, Lucius asked, "Master, why don't you try and stick your wand up there?"

This led to poor Lucius being Crucio-ed.

While withering in agony on the floor, his pimp cane flew out of his hand and through the air. Only to hit a limping Wormtail, who had just re-entered the room, square in the face.

"Eeep!" Wormtail squeaked as the cane hit him. "Whah dah bludy ell yo du daht fo'?" He asked through, a now, broken and bloody nose.

Voldemort, by this time, had stopped torturing Lucius. Who retorted, very intelligently, mind you, "You deserved it, baldy."

This caused Wormtail to attempt to punch him. But due to his horrible coordination, he ended up hitting the fireplace mantle instead.

"Fuh!" He swore.

He had broken his thumb.

Poor, pathetic Wormtail now had a rusty old nail stuck in his foot, a bloody nose, and broken thumb. He concluded that this would be the appropriate time to begin sobbing.

He began sobbing.

"Shut, up you miserable rat and come bring me my gnome ears." Voldemort snapped. Although the menacing tone he put in his voice was slightly obstructed by the fact that he was trying out Lucius' advice and endeavoring to stick his wand up his nose-slit-thingys.

Maybe it was the fact that he didn't want to add being Crucio-ed to the list of the injuries he had acquired today.

Or maybe it was the fact that he enjoyed being Lord Voldemort's bitch.

No matter the reason, Wormtail found the strength to stop crying and to bring the gnome ears to his Master.

Wormtail began to hand feed his Lord the gnome ears, because Voldemort was now vigorously trying to pick his nose. Which refused to let his wand gain entrance.

By now, Lucius was getting jealous that Wormtail was Voldemort's bitch, instead of him.

So, he devised cunning and evil plan, so brilliant, that no one would see it coming.

It was a plan to overthrow the rat.

While the rat was busy feeding Voldemort, Lucius put his plan into motion.

This brilliant plan consisted of Lucius, with the candlestick, in the dining room.

BAM!

Wormtail was out of the job.

Lucius gladly took his place.

Amazingly, the All-Powerful Lord Voldemort didn't even notice that one of his minions had assaulted another one in a wholly un-magical fashion (if he had noticed he would have been disgusted, and would probably have killed them both).

But no, he was still too busy picking his nose.

Said nose-picking was becoming rather violent, especially since he was also chewing on the gnome ears that Lucius was proudly hand feeding him.

After about ten minutes of this violent attempt at nose picking he became so frustrated that he thought how great it would be if he could just Avada Kedarva his nose slits open.

Coincidently, at the particular moment that he thought the Unforgivable Curse he also happened to (due the wild stabbing movements his wand was using to attack his nostrils) make the swishy wand movement that went along with it.

Oopsie…Voldie's head go **BOOM!**

Thus was the tragic end of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Voldemort had learned his lesson:

The more you focus on something unpleasant the more it is going to bother you.

THE END


End file.
